I had it all but I misplaced it...

Ah not exactly. This being an account of how I was almost done laying out a post on the recent (not anymore) Sunburst KL music festival and forgot where I put the notepad file I wrote it in.

I believe it was lost forever with my thumb drive. Ah well. The events of the day might be fuzzy but the natural high I got that day/night is firmly tattooed in my subconscious. It must be said, it was THE most awesome, fantastically rocking, mantasmagorical event that I've been to thus far and I'm not saying it just because Incubus was there.

Remind me to rewrite a full account with pictures, for memory preserving reasons, later when work and life doesn't get in the way.

It has to be said though, this is the year of the concert.

This being an account of yesterday and today.

Monday
Wish you were here

Now who YOU are I'm not sure, but I hope you're out there. Someone to share a soul with. Perhaps not in this lifetime or the next but eventually. So this is my love message to you.....GET.ON.YOUR.WAY.RIGHT.NOW.

Now what happened yesterday...hmmm...

This is an obsession, perhaps I just a need to fill some sort of void in my life thus I take on some sort of project. Which usually involves me spending a shitload of money on the aforementioned obsession. So yes I went shopping online (the credit card, ever since I got it has been the bane of my existence). Not that I'm knee deep in debt it's just that it's so easy to buy stuff. So technically I have the possibility to be knee deep in debt. However, all thoughts about future life savings aside, I am now the proud owner of two more Incubus CDs and both of Brandon Boyds art books/journals. I am well stoked, as Kat from LA Ink would say. As well as well broke. Ah well.

Good thing though, these obsessions have posed some sort of learning curve for me though it's one of those things in life where you have to realize it as one...hmmm...I'm BRILLIANT I know =P. Sometimes it's little things like how to handle online purchases (I was buying & selling things online even before I had my own credit card, talk about contributing to the world economy) to stuff like how to deal with people, anticipating what people want and customer service. For someone with an ego problem like me perhaps thats the toughest job ever.

I'm in the design industry, it isn't much better but despite all it's superficialities and downfalls, there's always the potential of job satisfaction and possibility of self progression. It's something that I enjoy doing. Weather it leads somewhere or nowhere. I vow to do what I enjoy and feel right doing. It's my self preservation tactic. Yeah I have a plan. I think, don't I?

I plan to write like this (I use the term write instead of type cause it seems more personal) like I'm talking to a friend or talking to myself and also I'm currently reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, I like her, alot, enamored by her in fact. So there, I explained it as if i need to. =)

Random Quote: I will allow someone to love me. Thats a good line. I like it.

Random Thought: Writing is hard for me, but I want to write. How does that work?



Tuesday
Look Alive

I found out today that the Lucasfilm workshop is actually an internship program for practicing CG artists. Talk about major splash of cold water. I'm not even in that course yet and already they're looking for ppl. Wait for me~! Suppose it's to be expected, they wouldn't do something this big for free. I told you I was smart =P.

Words can't describe how I overflow with what seems like love whenever I listen to Incubus. It's a pleasant little ache in the center of my chest which I hope never goes away everytime I discover an amazing lyric or insane guitar riff, ridiculous bass and mad drums. Their synergy is so tight it seems effortless, which is always a sign of greatness.

I do know one ache I would like to get rid of. Fear. Everyday I can't let go of the fear that I am not good enough. Every new job, every new assignment every new freelance or offer to design I worry I'm not good enough. I wish I could just put things down and not worry so much about how my work will be received. I want to just jump in and close my eyes, drift away on whatever creative wave that carries me and never look back.

I like music

Pulsing, funky vibrations, soulful, deep, sensual, sexy, bass heavy, rocking, overwhelming, mind fuck, amazing guitar riffs, eclectic, catchy, beautiful.

Way to go obvious.

There was something I thought of a few days ago in the middle of the night, while worrying about a slight crisis which I brought upon myself. Laying there feeling sleepy but not being able to sleep, I got up and scribbled something along the lines of "Why are we more concerned with money more than time? As if the former was more important." Immediately after that point I closed my eyes and went to sleep...and woke up 3 hours later.

Club8 + Pelle

Right I was asked/told with arm twisted behind my back to blog about this. =P Nah, just kidding.

Club 8 & Pelle will be stopping by KL to perform for us at KLPac (the KL performing arts center) These talented Indie performers hail from Sweden the land of Abba, Ikea, Swedish meatballs and...well Abba. As I stock my limited knowledge of Sweden with what other things this land is made of I'll make sure to add them in.

Club 8: They've got this retro 60s vibe going but updated. It's just really good and soothing music. Catchy and easy on the ears.

Pelle: He's got some eccentric lyrics. Quite fun to listen to and makes me smile. I mean how can you not with song titles like "I Love You Imbecile" and "Go To Hell Miss Rydell". Catchy too.

I will be going to this event tomorrow night. Just hope I remember how to get there.

Albert Einstein

"My political ideal is democracy. Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized. It is an irony of fate that I myself have been the recipient of excessive admiration and reverence from my fellow-beings, through no fault, and no merit, of my own. The cause of this may well be the desire, unattainable for many, to understand the few ideas to which I have with my feeble powers attained through ceaseless struggle. I am quite aware that for any organization to reach its goals, one man must do the thinking and directing and generally bear the responsibility. But the led must not be coerced, they must be able to choose their leader. In my opinion, an autocratic system of coercion soon degenerates; force attracts men of low morality... The really valuable thing in the pageant of human life seems to me not the political state, but the creative, sentient individual, the personality; it alone creates the noble and the sublime, while the herd as such remains dull in thought and dull in feeling..."
---Excerpt from Albert Einstein's, "The World As I See It" (essay).

At no other time do these words seem more relevant than they are now.

I have read this paragraph over and over and I can't stop reading it, not because I don't understand laa but because he hits the nail right on its metaphorical head.

Flawed 1

She is beautiful(to some) but you can tell that it is a flawed beauty.

Definition of insanity

A definition of insanity is doing things the same way and expecting different results. ie running into a wall face first at full speed and not expecting to feel pain the next time your run into it at the same velocity. Or. Repeatedly complaining about the situations you're in and expecting it to sort itself out just by the sheer power of sitting there. Or saying the same things over and over, to somebody who isn't listening.

Yeh, my definition of insanity.

Cool link: A page for the to-do list.
Cool mainly because I see myself as a voyeur and like to observe people.

Listen to: Meshell Ndegeocello - Beautiful

Writing a blog is therapeutic and I do need therapy.

I'm not a blogger . Never was never will be.
But writing a blog is therapeutic and I do need therapy. So once in a while, I try.

The story starts with an innocent looking link to a youtube video of a long forgotten teen idol.

Listening to Kavana songs sent this huge wave of nostalgia crash down on me. Remember him? Kavana? During his time he sent millions of little girls hearts soaring with his catchy pop tunes, pretty boy looks and now, somewhat cheesy image. While all his songs struck chords, 2 songs in particular, body slammed my soul/center/sternum/part between my chests that ache averytime I'm touched or sad. "Thank you" and "Wait for the day". Thank you for reasons between me and very good ol friend of mine. And "Wait for the day" because I realised I felt the same way I did 6-7 years ago listening to that song, my first reaction to the lyrics was to tear up and I thought, I'm still the same person I was then. When I hoped I would change for the better.

I'll end this post with a totally unrelated quote (cause I'm random that way):
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
Scott Adams

Childish Adult Fascinations

Theres this strange fascination I have with pop-up books. You'd think your era of pop-ups would dissapear the moment you turned 10 or younger? but nope not me. I have to take this fascination to adult level. Much like my legos.
Of course, then again, there are people who do take these things to adult level and do they do it well. Just take a gander at these two sites http://robertsabuda.com/ & http://club.lego.com/eng/coolcreations/ to see excellent examples. If being a kid at heart means you get to appreciate cool stuff like this, I hope I'll always stay a kid at heart.

These are so meant for display items man. I'll leave you with a link to youtube of a gorgeous Alice in Wonderland pop-up by Robert Sabuda, which I will have in my hands by the end of this month. Or soon anyway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qzd1paCUTwE

Chinese aristrocrats in the past, prized texture above all, even taste. Which explains why there still exists such things as Birds Nest, abalone and sharks fin. These delicacies if taken without the added ingredients and condiments would taste absolutely bland and emit very slight fragrances. Of course if it's good enough for the aristrocrats, its definitely better for everyone else so the reputation of these and many chinese delicacies have lived on. The Chinese not content to just eat common food such as chicken, snake and frogs legs(which by now would be passe) have moved on to more exotic fare such as anything under the sun that moves. 5000 years of adventurous eating folks. Salute to the spirit of experimentation and very good imaginations.

I gotta write it down now, I gotta gotta gotta. If not I'll never write it down.

Designing is hard for me nowadays. Is this a syndrome whereby average designers go thru a series of emotion that can only be described as manic depressive only to settle perpetually in the depressive state?
I don't want to be an average designer, just producing things other people want. I want to do my own things if only I'd stop self censoring my own stuff as much or sometimes more than the clients or other people do.

And there's always the fear that there are no ideas in my head.

Everytime I look at my blog, I'm afraid to update. Suppose I just can't stand the way I construct my sentences or the way I mess up the chronology, the immature things I say, or maybe just myself. Maybe I'm just afraid that I have nothing to say.

Back to square one?

Well it's back to the daily grind of unemplyment. Fantastic, not that I'm not looking forward to it just can't help beating myself up over the gullible way in which I have conducted myself. 6 months, maybe seven, most of them dream shattering and jaded months, full of deception and deceit and if possible, shattering my self esteem and belief in my works even further.
Makes you want to puke over the overdramatic verbal verbalness? Well believe it or not, that's exactly how I feel.

And already because of my overcautious nature I'm afraid of what the next job might be like, if I can get one. I love design though some of the people in the industry need to develop a concience and a need for quality.

I do wonder how long I will be designing. Not too long ago, there was a talk conducted at Galleriizzu. The topic of survival within the design industry in Malaysia was brought up by San Yen one of the founders of If interactive. The lifespan of most young Malaysian designers apparently is not looking too good. And from a discussion I've had recently not many designers survive as mainly designers beyond 30 years of age.

Why that is, varies for everyone of course but for me, the main reason why i might stop design is because of a severe lack of belief in my works and lack of variety. I love dabbling in different disciplines of design and beyond (if I live long enough). The tactile nature of cloth or paper, the tangible rough textures on a piece of sculpture or pottery or any other material, the versatility of multimedia, the composition of light and dark, the arrangement of colours to create a mood, a whole; the quirky ideas that come out in the form of illustration. There's so much yet to explore and discover that right now it's really hard to even think of giving up design completely. Though, I'm a realist and can't disregard the very plausible idea of giving up. Unfortunately I'm a hopeful realist and still have that little bit of hope. Cause it'd be a sad thing if I stopped hoping.

If I forget to eat and sleep and pray, blame it on my youth. - Jamie Cullum

taken for a ride

I can't believe ANYONE would believe that anyone, no matter how low their standards, would accept THAT kind of quality, even if it was a friend. That is just outright taking advantage and how can a person who so outrightly takes advantage of you be a friend?

what makes a good design?
Is it the lack of self censorship, the ability to let go?
Is it the ability to follow a grid and make things look good or is it disregarding the grid alltogether and going with your gut?
How long will my lifespan as a designer last before it's all sucked out of me?
How much of me crashing and burning is my fault and how much of it is the crap ppl I come across?
I will not always have this standard. I don't always want to be at this level. So how will I improve? by myself with self-concorship running rife im my head. Everytime a new idea comes up it pound and pounds it back down. Dammit.

Stupid

If your chinese(and other assorted dialect) speaking friends (in the loosest sense of the word) and English speaking co-workers think you're stupid does it mean that you are?

Can they define who you are and do they? Can you change that perception?
With my little understanding of the influence people have, especially the charismatic ones, over the people they come across, I realize they can. Socially at least. You find out that charisma isn't always given to the ones who most deserve it nor the ones who will use it, to your definition, of well. You feel you're on the loosing end. If you don't suck up to them or buck up and be smart. They can ruin your reputation with just one sentence, word or even look.

It's true, you can shape who you are in words and present it to the world. Distorted or otherwise, the options for chameleon like change of colours in your personality are limitless. You also find out, you can be limitless. Then where do you begin and this apparently fictitious character ends? Or was it a part of you all along. Just another aspect of what makes you YOU?

Understanding their point of view helps only a little and then you realize it's so superficial. You present that superficiality to the world and the world presents it's own to you. It's definitely true you can never know everything about a person. And knowing the incapabilities, incompatibilities and loopholes within a language and the different ways we communicate and misscommunicate, I'm in awe that we can connect at all. Yet there are unspoken comradreries between two likeminded people. Not gained through so many words but the knowledge that they are similar.

It's frustrating that when you don't connect to a wavelength you're considered stupid. They'll assume you're the lowest demonination of the word. And when asked for opinions or maybe some advice on a particular topic you think they're well versed in, retell one that's been repeated hundreds of times, in turn, revealing their banal thought process and yes, stupidity. Yet life goes on. You learn to be smarter, you learn to deal. It's nothing personal, it's just the way it is.

You realise it's no point taking things personally, because most of the time it isn't, even things like gossip are technical things. It becomes a game and you wonder how people can live like this. True, you can't please everybody and even with people of similar mindsets, there are falling outs. Not every aspect of your personality can be pleasing to the other.

You can't fathom anything from first meetings or initial conversations, but it doesn't stop people from trying.

I am cynical. Yes I am.

The length and depth of the word, the tone of delivery, the cultural history behind the word, even the positioning of a word. It DOES matter.

Leggo my logo!

It's *looks at the time* 3:55 AM, Malaysian time and I find myself searching the net for what is defined as a 'middle-class' logo. Right. I enjoy creating logos but the thinking process can be a bitch sometimes. And I'm SLOW. It doesn't help that the logos I keep coming up with are ridiculously complicated. And the briefs! Oh the briefs I'm given!

SMS from boss: Please create two logos for me one is something to do with trains, central station and the other a hainanese boy. Kthx!

I suppose people have managed on less right? right? right?!

Logo’s can be the most rewarding things to design. The ability to summarize a whole concept of the business, income group, age group, location, history, direction all in one image is pretty cool when you manage to find ‘it’. A picture is indeed worth a thousand words.

What I’ve learnt is that a logo should be easily identifiable, simple (not a hard and fast rule this one), relatable and relevant to the company that might be hiring you. Basic stuff right?

The problem is, for someone who’s so used to having a clear idea of what I want and almost complete freedom when creating back in school, I’m quickly finding out that trying to pinpoint a client’s needs and wants for their image is like trying to catch a wiggling electric eel in the depths of aquaria! Very unpleasant.

Yes, yes I know, we should adapt. Yes, we should keep our identity. Yes, we should be chameleons. Yes, we should be flexible and diversify. Yes, we should find our own style. Do you see where this is going? Cause I sure as hell don’t.

Still, for now at least, I understand it's not a good thing being too set in my style especially when the jobs are so diverse. I still need to learn about flexibility at work and to rely less on moods and not get too attached to my work. At the same time be proud of the work I put out. It seems like a perpetual juggling act between work and aesthetics. And it seems like most businesses aren’t giving in.

the initial post

right. what am i feeling now? aside from me not feeling like using capital letters in this post. i'm feeling okaylah. i wanna write, type, draw, illustrator-ate, use any sort of medium to express whatever little thoughts i might have an a day-to-day basis. i've blogged before on lj and geocities(my ex sort-of-blog) those didn't work out long term, so no idea when this will last. we'll see.

*just a thought: should i keep writing as if somebody is going to read this?