Back to square one?

Well it's back to the daily grind of unemplyment. Fantastic, not that I'm not looking forward to it just can't help beating myself up over the gullible way in which I have conducted myself. 6 months, maybe seven, most of them dream shattering and jaded months, full of deception and deceit and if possible, shattering my self esteem and belief in my works even further.
Makes you want to puke over the overdramatic verbal verbalness? Well believe it or not, that's exactly how I feel.

And already because of my overcautious nature I'm afraid of what the next job might be like, if I can get one. I love design though some of the people in the industry need to develop a concience and a need for quality.

I do wonder how long I will be designing. Not too long ago, there was a talk conducted at Galleriizzu. The topic of survival within the design industry in Malaysia was brought up by San Yen one of the founders of If interactive. The lifespan of most young Malaysian designers apparently is not looking too good. And from a discussion I've had recently not many designers survive as mainly designers beyond 30 years of age.

Why that is, varies for everyone of course but for me, the main reason why i might stop design is because of a severe lack of belief in my works and lack of variety. I love dabbling in different disciplines of design and beyond (if I live long enough). The tactile nature of cloth or paper, the tangible rough textures on a piece of sculpture or pottery or any other material, the versatility of multimedia, the composition of light and dark, the arrangement of colours to create a mood, a whole; the quirky ideas that come out in the form of illustration. There's so much yet to explore and discover that right now it's really hard to even think of giving up design completely. Though, I'm a realist and can't disregard the very plausible idea of giving up. Unfortunately I'm a hopeful realist and still have that little bit of hope. Cause it'd be a sad thing if I stopped hoping.

If I forget to eat and sleep and pray, blame it on my youth. - Jamie Cullum